This Blog

When i started this blog, i was in a relationship with First Sir ~ the One i First Called Sir.  i didn’t know anybody in the cyberworld, and had no idea there was a “real life” community of kinky folks who practiced BDSM.  “Leather” was just the material used for purses and coats, and maybe i’d heard it used about a group of gay men, but that was  it.

i started out writing with First Sir’s encouragement, discovered blogs the day He had me google “chopsticks” and “BDSM,” and have been blogging almost three years now.  Almost every day.  1011 posts, counting this one.

My life has changed so much since then, and part of that change has been because of the blog, because of my relationships with each of you.

Yeah.

My life has morphed in ways that i couldn’t possibly have imagined.  

i’ve been toying with the idea of ending this blog for a while.  i’m too happy to have great posts to write about inner turmoil and conflict.  And while Sir has a vast supply of creative ideas for erotic and sensual experiences, i don’t feel the urge to write about them.

i hate that i am thinking about doing this at the same time that KBC didn’t work out.  i don’t want people to think that there’s any connection there.  {Maybe no one would have thought it anyhow.}

But that in itself ~ the fact that i’m concerned about your reaction~ is an indication that i’m not writing for myself anymore.   That i’m writing with one eye on the reader.

Sigh…

So i’m taking a break ~ maybe a permanent break.  Probably a permanent break.  

i’ll still be around, and i’ll leave the blog up, but i think i’m headed in new and different directions.  

However, don’t forget that next year Ms Constance will still be doing Bluegrass Leather Pride ~ first weekend in March.   If there’s a class on blogging ~ i’ll be there.   If you want to stay in touch in the meantime, you can always reach me at aisha.hisservant@gmail.com  

On the Run ~ Again.

i am on the run today, got to be somewhere by 8, and have stuff scheduled intermittently all day til 8 tonight.  So here’s some food for thought ~ 

i love googling “quotes submission.”   There’s such a lovely range of choices. From Jane Eyre:

I do not think, sir, you have any right to command me, merely because you are older than I, or because you have seen more of the world than I have; your claim to superiority depends on the use you have made of your time and experience.”
― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

…which i whole-heartedly agree with.  After all, there’s no consent to him commanding her there.  To Fifty Shades:

So you’ll get your kicks by exerting your will over me.”
“It’s about gaining your trust and your respect, so you’ll let me exert my will over you. I will gain a great deal of pleasure, joy, even in your submission. The more you submit, the greater my joy – it’s a very simple equation.”
“Okay, and what do I get out of this?”
He shrugs and looks almost apologetic.
“Me,” he says simply.”
― E.L. James, Fifty Shades of Grey

…which cracks me up.  It does sound ridiculous, when you put it that way.  And reminds me that i don’t think she’s submissive or she wouldn’t have to ask.  To the Christian perspective:

How you respond to authority over you says a lot about what you claim to believe. When your standard of living is Christ-centered, you invariably live to honor others.”
― Kevin Thoman

…which doesn’t speak to me anymore, but does to lots of people.  To this from Tammy Jo Eckhart, who i got to see present at Kinky Kollege:

Submissive men, men who desire to serve as consensual slaves, are on one of the most difficult journeys in the world today, because they have rejected patriarchal privilege and embraced their own heart’s calling instead.”
― TammyJo Eckhart, At Her Feet: Powering Your Femdom Relationship

…which makes me think about drew, Ms. Constance’s slave, and mick and Molly, and other male submissives i’ve known.  To this:

Keep me rather in this cage, and feed me sparingly, if you dare. Anything that brings me closer to illness and the edge of death makes me more faithful. It is only when you make me suffer that I feel safe and secure. You should never have agreed to be a god for me if you were afraid to assume the duties of a god, and we know that they are not as tender as all that. You have already seen me cry. Now you must learn to relish my tears.” 

― Pauline Réage

…which is from the woman who wrote Story of O ~ i don’t remember it from Story of O, but it may have been there, or maybe she wrote other stuff.  But that passage just gives me food for thought.

P.S.  This is my 1010th post.  i meant to celebrate at 1,000, but forgot so this will have to do.  YAY!!  {Laughing…}

Kris’ Keynote Speech ~ and Q and A

At Bluegrass Leather Pride, after the classes, i left.  So i didn’t go to the end of the contest, or the play party afterwards.  i did go to the brunch the next day, with keynote speaker Boi Kris.  And i got to sit next to his Domme, Lady Elsa.

Lady Elsa is a soft-spoken, gentle Domme {at least with me} who has a message that Boi Kris proclaims from the rooftops.  Here is an excerpt from her writings on fetlife:

“…somewhere during the weekend we picked up the nickname “the teacher and the preacher.” I teach. I write educational materials for a living. My savant power is explication: I can take complex ideas and subjects, break them down, and explain them in writing so other people connect with them. Kris is the preacher. His special gift is interpersonal expressing things to people verbally so that other people connect with them. I give him a philosophy to preach. He gives my philosophy a voice. We’re a pretty good team that way.”

In his keynote speech, Kris says that he has internalized Lady Elsa’s message, her philosophy, to the point that it has become his ~ and he does a lovely job expounding on it.  Someone was videotaping it, and i had hoped that would show up on YouTube and i’d be able to link you to it, but i can’t find it.

But here is an interview with them.   Lady Elsa’s message is about taking your relationship “off -road.”  That the “rules” about D/s relationships are not the point of the relationships ~ that it’s important to follow your own guide, your own life mission.

They talk about “spiritual service,” and that always resonates with me.  They talk about different ways to carry out the typical dynamics ~ ways to avoid getting trapped in the stereotypes.  Their bottom line message is:  Be yourself.

For more information, you can also read Lady Elsa’s writings on fetlife here.  i thoroughly enjoyed talking to her at the brunch, and hope we stay connected in the future.

**********************

With March being Q and A month, ‘nilla asked me yesterday:

okay…um…most important ritual to you each day. That would be a daily ritual, not necessarily a morning or evening one…but one which helps you feel complete.

Sir and i are not real wrapped up in rituals, but we do have a couple that have evolved between us.  

First, coffee ~ i make his coffee every morning, not just the pot, but his cup.  He takes two sweet-and-lows and a splash of half-and-half, and i prepare it carefully, being mindful of what i’m doing, and take it to Him.

Then there’s, you know, the tether.  He tethers me every night, slipping the rope around my ankle ~ usually my ankle ~ and securing it so it doesn’t get tighter or looser during the night.  

Most night, i go to bed before He does, so there is usually some touching and maybe some play as He tucks me in, but the tether is for sure.

In the morning, i usually get up before Him ~ like now, as i write this, He’s not awake yet.  i carry the tether with me as i let the cats in or out, fix my own coffee, and blog or whatever.  When He gets up, i’ll prepare His coffee, and then He’ll untether me.

i didn’t have the tether when we were in Very-Far-Away, and i missed it.  i’m not always crazy about it when i’m lugging it around behind me, all 17 pounds of it, but it’s a powerful reminder of who i am.

It’s good to be home, in lots of ways.  

Don’t forget ~ March is Q and A month.  If you have questions for me, ask away.   You can leave your question in a comment, or email me at aisha.hisservant@gmail.com

The Things that Touched Me

i won’t do a minute by minute report on the classes and such at Bluegrass Leather ~ but there are images that linger with me.  Each prospective titleholder on the stage ~ judges seated in a row to the side, contestants front and center.

Steven and kim, running for Bluegrass Leather M/s.   They both sound nervous to me, just a bit, voices a tad shaky.  Kim is wearing a corset, and it’s about 10 degrees in the building… ok, not 10 degrees, but it’s chilly.  She could be shaking with cold.  

But their words are clear.   And their handout is excellent.   They contrast abuse and BDSM, in the way that we’ve talked about so often in our blogs.  

“Abuse is not negotiated.  BDSM is based on SSC or RACK.”

“In an abusive relationship, there is a lack of trust.  In a BDSM relationship there is trust.”

“The abuser does not care for consent.  In BDSM, a submissive voluntarily serves the Dominant.”

They list 10 ways ~ i won’t reproduce them all here.  But the last is my favorite:

“An abuser destroys the spirit of the victim.  BDSM builds the spirit of the submissive and the Dominant.”

Isn’t that ~ maybe ~ the most important difference?  

i really want to talk more with them about their experience ~ i hope they will be doing their presentation again sometime when i can be there.

But there are other images.

“Cooke slut” was running for Bluegrass Leather Pride Ms.  i can still see her, facing the judges, answering their questions.  i don’t know if she was nervous or not.  She’s funny, and endearing, and that can mask nerves sometimes.

i don’t know if her answers are “good” or not.  Some of the questions are about Leather history and tradition, and my own knowledge is limited.    But she exudes sincerity.

Her goal is to make the community a more welcoming place, to help you feel good about being there. And for sure, she is outgoing and warm.  But ~

~ her personal moment of glory is close to the end.  Baking is Cookie Slut’s talent {hence the name} and her earned leather is an apron, which is so perfectly appropriate.   One of the judges asks her ~ and of course i don’t remember the exact question ~ but something about what she would bake for them if she could.

And she says ~ with a slight gasp of horror ~ “Bake for you?  Oh!  Do you see what he’s eating?” gesturing to the judges stand.  “Those are…” and her voice drips with disdain, “Store Bought Cookies.”  She shakes her head.  “THAT wouldn’t happen if it were up to me.”

It’s the perfect question for her ~ partly because, i guarantee you, the sight of those store-bought cookies had been weighing on her mind all along.  

The last Q and A session was with Daddy Jay, who was running for Bluegrass Leather Sir.   “A bear of a man” but more teddy bear seeming than wild and wooly – although i’m sure he’s not a stranger to wild.  {Actually, i don’t know that ~ it just sounded likely, right?}

Anyhow. 

Standing alone in front of a panel of judges, with an attentive audience watching, is an intense experience all by itself, i think.  But listening to Daddy Jay, i sense a solid core of certainty.  Not of pride or swagger ~ not at all.  It feels ~

~ it feels as if he is in touch with that deepest part of himself, that part that is most centered.  The part that isn’t thinking about whether or not the answer is “right” so much as whether or not it’s genuine.

Don’t misunderstand me ~ i think he knew his leather history and his answers to some questions {that i didn’t have a clue about} rolled out as if they didn’t require thought.  And i think that’s just how it is with him.  For example i think there are leather heroes he looks up to, and he doesn’t have to think about who they are, it’s part of who he is.

My sense is that he has a deep personal commitment to being a Dominant who leads with integrity and solid strength.  

i gotta say, i don’t know him well enough to know if this is true, right?  But those are my impressions.  That’s how he comes across to me.

Watching them reminds me of the things that i love about the leather community.  

Steven and kim’s courage and hard psychological work.  Cookie Slut’s warmth and desire to take care of people ~ whether she’s welcoming them to the community, or making sure they aren’t ingesting preservatives and disgustingly fake food.  And Daddy Jay, who represents the desire to carry on a leather tradition of being more to each other than play partners.

i think i have more to say about this, but good grief, i’m way behind schedule already.  For now, i’ll just give a nod to Ms. Constance in thanks for making this experience possible.

AND ~ March is Question and Answer month in the blogosphere.  If you have any questions for me, ask away.  If i don’t know the answer, i’ll make something up.  {Just kidding…}

Kinky Laughter Yoga and More…

i only got to go to one entire class at Bluegrass Leather Pride, but it was a great one.  Boi Kris, who is  a certified laughter yoga teacher, led a variation of that he calls “Kinky Laughter Yoga.”  

It was delightful.

Here’s a link to a description of the class as he did it at the Southwest Leather Contest.  There were about 6 of us participating this weekend, and as you can imagine, it was a blast.

When i was telling Sir about it, He laughed at me ~ He didn’t think Laughter Yoga was a real thing.  But it is ~ as you can see here.

The kinky version was, of course, particularly fun.  We didn’t actually do anything kinky or sexual, we just used exercises that had some connection with the lifestyle.  It was great ~ i laughed ~ and laughed ~ and felt good about life.

The other super cool thing from Saturday was catching the end of Master Steven and slave kim’s presentation on their M/s dynamic.  While i missed most of it, i got there just in time to hear them explaining about the impact of abuse, in terms of triggers and issues with trust.  

i was sorry i didn’t get to see the whole thing, but the part i saw really impressed me.  It was accurate, and presented in a low-key way, despite the emotional content.  Slave kim had been in an abusive relationship for many years, so part of her relationship with her master involves healing from that experience.

i really admire the courage it took them ~ particularly Kim ~ to step out in the public and share their experience.

i was a little anxious at a couple of the questions people asked them.  Someone wanted to know how Kim had gotten in the relationship in the first place, and how she got out.    The answer to “How did you get into an abusive relationship?” is generally  complex, and may be emotionally weighted, but she did a nice job responding.

The other question was “How will you keep this (being in a an abusive relationship) from happening again?”  

i wanted to say, “She can’t.  No one can assure that they never end up in an abusive relationship again, and thinking that you can is a trap.  Only the partner – the potential abuser  – can assure that it doesn’t happen again.  She can watch for red flags, watch for indications, and she can get out when she realizes what’s happening, but she can’t keep it from happening again.”

Kim fielded the question well though, in part explaining that her trust for her Master gives her certainty, which i thought was well done, and accurate.

i’m hoping that i’ll have an opportunity to hear their whole presentation at some point.

There’s more to tell about the event ~particularly the Sunday brunch ~ but now i have a full work day ahead of me {yay!!}

Bluegrass Leather Pride

There was a good turn-out for the event – somewhere around 100 people registered (those are not exact figures, go read Ms. Constance if you want exact.)

 i covered my class in yesterday’s post, along with apologies for not having the promised google hang-out.  Aside from all that, Master David did rope classes, which were well-attended with apparent enthusiasm.  He had a lovely young woman as his demo, who i assume (from my observation of their interactions) is his submissive.  They both seemed to be having a blast, which made me happy too.

i mention her because later in the day, she was wearing a beautiful corset, multi-colored in the front and a lovely lacy black in the back.   It looked a little bit – just a teeny little bit – like this:

which comes from this website:  http://www.gaspetc.com/Artworx_Spring09.html.  

Anyhow, that was very cool.  

The food was awesome, especially Ms. Constance’s bean dish, which was so good i actually want the recipe for it.  

The main event of the day, i think, was the presentations by the people running for leather titles, and then the question and answer segment.  i missed most of it, but the parts i got to see where fascinating.

And i was going to write about that now, but the brunch is starting at 11 and i’m not dressed and Sir is showing me ~ or trying to show me ~ the tapes of the National Yoga competition on-line, and i’m not anywhere near unpacking and have a ton of laundry to do and… you get the picture.

But i slept 12 hours last night and am starting to feel more settled again, although it will be Tuesday before i really have time to relax.  {Not complaining ~ having work is a wonderful thing!}

i want to tell you about Master Steven and slave kim’s presentation, and about boi Chris’ laughing yoga class, and probably much more, but it will have to wait…

Sometimes I Really Am a Dumbass

Or the best laid plans of mice and men sometimes go awry…  however you want to look at it.

So there i am at the Bluegrass Leather Event ~ which was just lovely, btw ~ in my little green classroom, all ready to set up my laptop and my google hangout .  Suddenly, i have this awful, terrible, horrible thought.  

Wireless.

What if there’s no wireless?

Slowly, i open my computer and look.  Two wireless networks ~ both clearly belonging to nearby stores, both requiring a password.  Then some third thing pops up, no password, and i’m all excited for a minute, but it quickly becomes clear that it’s not a connection either.

After i try it thirty-five times ~ because really, it must work, right?  But no ~ i’m forced to accept the reality.  No wireless.  No internet.

Ah!  But my phone!! Thank goodness for data download, right??

So i reach into my trusty bag, which i’d just started using again after the trip to Very-Far-Away, and i pull out ~ a package of gum.  It’s shaped just like my cell phone, feels just like it from the outside of the bag, but actually it is NOT my cell phone at all.

Fuck.  Fuck.  Fuck.

So there i was ~ no connection with youall at all.  And nothing i could do about it.  For all of you who were trying to join the hangout ~ i am so, so, so, so sorry.  i just totally blew it.

i did have three people come to the class on blogging, which was cool ~ but not anywhere near as cool as it was going to be when we could have chatted with youall too, and youall could have helped talk about what blogging’s like for you, and i could have shown them how to start up a blog on the computer, showed them some different types of blogs and ~~

yeah.

it pretty much sucked.

However ~ they were very nice, and didn’t realize what a pathetic watered down version of the class they were getting, so that was ok, i guess.  And i couldn’t worry about you all, because there just wasn’t a damn thing i could do about it.

Heavy sigh.

Didn’t even think to ask if there was wireless.  

Quelle dumbass i am.  {Sounds better in French, doesn’t it?}   Hmmm, really it would be “Quelle dumbass que je suis,” wouldn’t it?  Nice, that high school French coming back to me when i need it.

But now i need to go respond to the people who emailed me because they couldn’t find the link and apologize individually.   i’ll come back and tell you about the rest of the event later.

Here we go…

So apparently hangouts die after a while.  

I’ll be starting a new one, also called Erotic Bloggers, about 11 a.m. Eastern time.  i need your google i.d. to invite you.  We’ve got two so far – come join us.  Now i’m going to go figure out what the hell i’m wearing…

“The Hang-out”

Ok.  i guess i know what i’m doing.  

i created a google hangout.  It’s called Erotic Bloggers.  It can host up to 10 people, so i can invite 9 more.  If you want to be invited, i think you need to have a google + identify and i need to know what it is so i can invite you to the hangout.  At least, that’s how it looks like it works.  

i don’t think there are more than 9 people who are going to want to join – if there are, we’ll figure something out to make it work.

My google name is Aisha Hisservant, if you want to try to find me and friend me – add me to your friends’ circle – ahead of time.  i don’t usually stay signed in with that identify because i lose my real calendar when i do, and that’s a problem, but i think you should be able to do it whether i’m signed in or not.  And i’ll sign in early tomorrow and stay signed in.

If you google “google hangout” it will let you download what you need to join the hangout.

If all this doesn’t make sense, or it’s wrong, let me know, ok? 

ADDING THIS:

Fiona asked:

Ok….so is the HangOut going to be focused on anything in particular? Which session is which? 11:30 and 12:45 & 2:15 and 3:30. Is it video and audio or just audio?

And i replied:

If there is someone irl there for the “class” then the first class will be on blogging in general – benefits, downsides, types of blogs, etc – in which case it would be super helpful to have some bloggers on line to discuss it with.

The second one will be about trauma and the healing process and how blogging fits into it as a healing tool -at least that’s what it’s supposed to be about. If there’s actually no on irl there, then it can be whatever we want it to be.

i’m planning on doing video and audio, but that’s optional I would think. If you just want to do audio, then don’t show your face on screen, right? 

Thought that might be helpful information…

 

 

Home Again, Home Again ~ Just in Time

Yep, back from Very-Far-Away, barely in time for KBC.  

Yes i had a fabulous time, and yes, i’m glad to be home.  

But ~ here’s the thing ~ i don’t think any kinky bloggers from the blogosphere are coming.  If you are ~ let me know.  Either comment here, or message me at aisha.hisservant@gmail.com and i’ll be there to welcome you. 

But as far as i know, none of you are able to make it.  Several of you really, really wanted to be here, but couldn’t make it happen ~ i know that, too.   So maybe mark your calendars for next year ~ first weekend in March.

Or maybe we’re too private a bunch ~ maybe it’s destined to remain a fantasy in my own mind ~ we’ll see.

There will still be a couple of blogging related classes this year, and if anyone wants to do a google chat room, or whatever it’s called that Wordwytch was telling me about, we could do that.  You’d need to be available sometime between 11:30 and 12:45 and/or between 2:15 and 3:30.  i think you wouldn’t need to be on the whole time, you could just stop by and say hi.  

If you’re interested in doing that, let me know, and we’ll make it happen.  

Now i need to go exercise… back soon.