“Helping”

Sir is not feeling well ~ a cold, allergies ~ one of those kinds of things.

i want to help.  i want to take Him chicken soup, rub His feet, fluff His pillow.

Now understand that i’m not really very good at any of that sickbed stuff, and in fact, i get bored with it pretty quickly.  i mean, once you’ve fed, rubbed, and fluffed, what’s left?

But the urge to do it is strong today.

When i’m sick, i mostly prefer to be left alone, with little bits of attention from time to time.  But mostly i just want to sleep.

And actually, Sir seems to be pretty much that way too.  

But we’d planned to do something tonight.  

i’ve been particularly looking forward to it, partly because Thursday, i have to go to the funeral home.   It’s  the kind of funeral home thing where i’m close to the survivor and knew the deceased, and it was a sudden death, and i will need to stay a fairly long time, and i’m totally not looking forward to it, of course. .  Sir has offered to accompany me, which is sweet, and makes me feel good, but of course i don’t want him to spend several hours there, and He couldn’t take off work for it anyhow, which i’m going to do, so ~ yeah, i don’t know exactly what to plan.  We’ll see

In any case, tonight would be a pleasure, time for us.  

The munch is this Saturday, and i’d like to go to that, although we haven’t talked about it yet, but He’s usually good with that.  So then for sure i want alone time tonight.  And ~ and ~

~ of course if He’s sick, He’ll need ~~~ um, what?

You know, i want to jump up and down, wave my arms, and call out, “Let me help!! me!  me!!  Call on me!! i’ll be right over!” 

Yeah.  Probably not so helpful.

So i’m letting go.  i know that He knows i want to help.

Um, actually, i might have done the jumping up and down, waving my hand in the air thing last night.  Figuratively that is.

So i’ll back off.  Wait for Him tell me what He needs tonight.  That’s what helping is really about, right?

Sigh…

This is a symbolic sitting at His feet  and waiting for instructions.  i know that.  i get that.

It’s just not nearly as much fun as doing it for real, with all the sensual underpinning of leaning into Him, touching and stroking and…

ok, enough of that.  i can’t do those things, certainly not right now.

i will not email Him to tell Him i want to help.  i will not email Him to tell Him that i’m not going to tell Him how much i want to help.  

i have already sent Him my “good morning” email.  

i need to remember, this is not about me.  i don’t need to ask Him to reassure me that He’ll let me help if He wants me to.  i don’t need to give Him permission not to need help.  

This is not about me.

They also serve who only stand and wait.