Lifted Up

Last night, i was feeling a little overwhelmed, a little out of sorts.  i hate, hate, hate feeling that way.  

Yes, i do think i am supposed to be able to handle everything smoothly all the time.

Yesterday was just a little series of minor blips: some car issues, an employee i confronted who burst into tears, some inter-staff conflict and tension that i can’t actually resolve, a shuttle driver who was confused, a client who didn’t get all the attention she deserved, just minor blips in the day.  My daughter’s fine, there were no family crisis.  i can afford my car repairs.  i didn’t have to fire anyone, didn’t get fired, didn’t have my car break down on the side of the road, didn’t ~~  didn’t all kinds of things.

There’s some other stuff too, but there always is, and none of it’s bad.  It’s just stuff i need to deal with, need to take care of.  

Omg ~ passport.  i need to get my passport.  i knew there was something i wasn’t thinking about.  Ok.  That’s back on the list.

But last night, i’m thinking that my being out of sorts, feeling a little overwhelmed, is just unnecessary.   i say to Sir, who’s been massaging my leg, “i don’t know why i feel this way.”

He says, “What?!  You just got through telling me about your day.  That’s a lot!  Not each thing by itself maybe, but together it’s a lot.  You don’t have to be Sigmund Freud to figure out why you feel a little overwhelmed.”

And that makes me laugh.

He says i think i have to be The Rock all the time.

He says i don’t have to.

That idea intrigues me, but i’m pretty sure i do have to.

Last night, we talk, Sir and i.  Talk and touch.  Lots of touch.  Then ~ 

kneeling at His feet, held firmly between His thighs, His hands in my hair ~ in that moment ~

 i am pretty sure someone else can be The Rock for a while.

The Four Agreements (Three)

Smiling Soul says: 

Don’t Make Assumptions
“This one agreement can transform your life.” Communication done right with clarity will avoid many misunderstandings and difficulties in your dynamic.

You should feel free to ask for what you want.  It doesn’t mean you will get it right then, but you may later. (There was more presented in the class, but Smiling Soul was translating into sign language for someone and lost part of this one.)

My take: I think making requests gives your Dom the insight to your desires. Master often asks me if there is anything I need during our time together. I have learned to ask for sexual release when I really need it (especially with orgasm control). He learned when I get horny and in what cycle.

i like to think i do fine with this.  And i do – in the sense that i really work at not assuming that someone else is thinking a particular thing.  i avoid mind-reading fairly well.

Plus, i learned that stupid caveat about “assuming” fairly young.  You know ~ “What do you do when you assume?  You make an ass of “u” and “me.”  

Yeah.  And i hate how often i hear that in my head. 

But just when i’m congratulating myself on not assuming, i notice that pesky “feel free to ask for what you want” clause.

Sheesh.

i’ve talked about my issues with that enough times already.  i’m getting so much better about it, but i still HATE asking.  i guess some things never get easy.

i guess tomorrow i’ll tackle the “Do your best” agreement.  Youall know i have big issues with that too, right?  Apparently, i’m just a big ole bundle of issues.

Yeah.  But i’m not even going there today.  Instead ~~

*******************************

i kneel at His feet.  His hand wraps my hair, holding me tight.

“Ask,” He says.

Feeling confident, half-smiling, i nod toward His cock, well, as best i can nod with His hand in my hair.  More a slight tilting of my head.  

“May i?” i say, eyebrows slightly raised.

“That’s not asking,” He says.  “You’re taking it for granted I’m going to say yes.  I wouldn’t count on that.  If you want it, you’d better ask better than that.”

A wave of humiliation runs through me.  My heart sinks, my stomach drops.  

i look at His cock, out of reach of my mouth, His hand in my hair prevents me from coming any closer.

“Open your mouth.” He says.  He moves my head til i’m closer, but still out of reach.  

With my mouth open, i can almost taste Him, almost, so close, so close, i lean a little ~~

“No,” He says.  “Stay right where you are.”  He shakes my head, just a bit, emphasizing the point.

i am poised, but forbidden.

After a long, long moment, He says, “Ask if you want it.”

“Sir,” i begin, eyes on His cock, “May i please, Sir, taste Your cock?”

“Taste it?” He says.

“Yes, Sir.  Please may i kiss and lick Him?  Please, let me please Him with my mouth.”

“Kiss and lick?” He says.  “I don’t know…”

“And suck,” i say eagerly.  “Kiss and lick and suck.  Take Him deep in my mouth, sucking and licking, and pleasing.  Please, Sir?”

He smiles.  “There.  That’s better.  That’s how you ask.”  

He pauses, just long enough for me to wonder if He will turn me down.    Then ~

“Yes, you may.” He says.

And i do. 

i Need

i need to kneel at His feet.

Feel my mouth on Him

to lick

teasing with my tongue

to take Him deep

feel Him slide down, down almost choking

i need to feel His arms around me

holding me firm

Feel His hands on me

caressing

rubbing

Feel His hands

rise up and smack down hard

leaving my ass pink and tingly

His hands in my hair,

stroking, tugging, directing

His hands on my breasts

the caress that becomes

a pinch

pleasure and torment

leaves me gasping.

“This is gonna hurt,” He says,

smiling sweetly ~

and makes me cry out ~

“O!

Mmpf – that hurt!”

still smiling sweetly, He nods,

“yes, I said it would.”

i need to kneel at His feet.

The Major (Part VII)

He spreads my cheeks with one hand, with the other he presses something against my puckered asshole.  Instinctively, i tighten my muscles, trying to prevent entry.

Without lessening the pressure on my anus, He moves the other hand to stroke between my legs, making me moan with pleasure.  i am dripping wet.

“That’s my good slut,” He says, and is voice is warm and rich.  i wiggle back into His hand, which pushes the thing directly  into my other hole, the one i had wanted to protect.

i would pull away, but He slides two fingers into my hot, aching pussy.  The pleasure distracts me, and with His fingers there, He has effectively pinned me so i am fully at His mercy.

“It’s just a butt plug,” He says.  “Have you not done this before?”

His voice seems very far away.   Lost in sensation, i struggle to answer.  “No, Sir,” i stammer.

“It can be easy, or very hard.” He says.  “A little uncomfortable, or it can hurt like hell.   Really, that’s up to you and how much you’re able to open yourself, how willing you are to let me in.”

At His words, i relax, i do want Him in, i want Him anywhere He wants to be.  The butt plug slides in easily, and for a minute, i struggle not to tense up again, not to push it back out, but then the muscles at the top of the entrance sort of close around it, it settles into place.    

It’s an odd feelings, not completely pleasant or unpleasant.  

He makes me get up then, i move carefully so i don’t expel it.  

“Walk for me,” He says, and i do, back and forth in front of the mirror several times.  i begin to settle into this feeling of being stuffed, strange though it is.  i move slowly and my ass seems to protrude more than usual.

“Let’s try the shoes,” says The Major.

Diana brings them out, black cfm shoes, a little bit higher than i’ve ever worn.  She and Selena make me sit and strap them on my feet.   They help me stand.  

i balance on the heels,  a little shaky.   

“Walk in them,” says The Major, grinning.  “Looks like you need some practice.  Put more weight on the front of your foot, on the ball of your foot.”

Following His directions, Diana and Selena encouraging me too, i manage to walk, not too awkwardly, back and forth in front of the mirror.  The heels really thrust my torso forward, my ass protrudes in the other direction. They help me adjust my posture until The Major is pleased, and i am able to walk to their satisfaction.

Of course, while they’re doing this, the bells chime twice, and each time we pause so they can put the nipple clamps on, removing them 5 minutes later.

 My nipples are sore and painful.   My ass is uncomfortable.  And i’m more aroused than i’ve ever been.  Ever.

When they take the shoes off, The Major motions for me to come to Him.  i stand in front of Him.  

“Closer,” He says, standing Himself.  i move closer and He puts an arm around me, pulling me too him.  The fabric of His clothing rubs against my nipples, making them hard yet again.

He holds me so he can slide His hand between my legs, His fingers filling my pussy.  Between His fingers there, and the butt plug ~ i’ve never felt like this before.  i whimper and moan as He moves His fingers, finding the spot ~ quickly taking me up, up ~~

~~ and just in time, i remember to ask, “mayicumpleasesir?” and He laughs, “yes, go ahead slut,” and i do ~

              i do with a shudder that runs through me like an earthquake  ~~

my pussy throbbing and clenching around His fingers, the other entrance, my asshole, clenching too, hugging the butt plug, and this intensifies it all so that i can hardly stand

and i’m clinging to Him, gasping and shaking, His arm around me holding me up.  He fists His other hand in my hair, tilts my head back to look at Him.

“Good girl.  That’s my good slut.” He says.  “I’m going to use every inch of you, you know.  I”m going to fuck your ass, and your cunt.  I’m going to fuck your mouth.  I’m going to use you every way a slut can be used.  Is that clear?”

i can barely think, much less speak, but i manage to say, “Yes, yes, Sir, it is.”

He kisses me then, a deep probing kiss that takes me completely, moves me even deeper into mindless submission.  “I’m going to keep stretching you,” He says.  “Fuck your body, and your mind.  I”m going to fill your ass, fuck your cunt, and take your mouth.  But more than that, I’m going to get deep inside your head.”

Holding me pressed up against Him, my face to His chest, he smacks my ass.  Hard.  My muscles tighten around the butt plug, intensifying the sensation.  He smacks me again, twice, three times,  moving from one cheek to the other.  

He releases me then, and i’m unsteady on my feet, Diana takes my arm to help me balance.  

He sits down, unzipping His jeans.   Quickly, i kneel in front of Him, watching His cock, already hard, released from his pants.  

i smile.

Lick the head of it, inhaling the musky, male scent.

But He is not looking for subtlety of caress today; quickly He begins to fuck my mouth.  i focus on letting Him use me this way, on relaxing so He can drive His shaft deep into my mouth, striking the back of my throat til i gag.  

Withdrawing for a moment, then beginning the assault again, over and over, til ~~

i feel the rhythm change just a little, and i know that He is almost there ~ and i am ready ~ He cries out, as He explodes into my mouth ~~

His hot seed spills into me, i swallow quickly, gulping it down, taking it all, and He thrusts a little more, and stops.

i hold His cock in my mouth, loving the feel of Him softening now, satisfied.

He strokes my hair.  “Good girl.”

We stay like that for what seems like a long time, and yet it’s over too soon.  For that time, i am not thinking.  i am aware of sensation, my ass and the unfamiliar sensation of fullness.  My mouth savoring His taste.  My mind at rest.

Then, “Ok,” He says.  “Diana, Selena?”  

“Yes?”  They are both nearby ~ i had forgotten they were there.  

“Take the slut away,” He says.  “You know what to do.”    

Here She Is (Part XV)

Having slid to the floor,  i figure i might as well do what i wanted to do anyway and i press myself to His legs, almost wrapping myself around them.  He doesn’t seem to mind

My ass is still burning from the spanking i received, and my pussy is too.  i remember vaguely that He had promised me an orgasm if i took ten licks with the spoon, but i’m not worried about it.  i feel like i’m floating.

He leans over to stroke my hair, and i am so content i think i could stay there forever.  

He stops though, after a few minutes, and hands me a water bottle.  “Here,” He says, “Sit up and drink some.  Do you need to pee?”

Embarrassed, i shake my head ‘no,’ but drink from the water bottle.  i am thirsty.  

As i finish drinking, i realize that i do need to pee.  i don’t want to tell Him.  i don’t want Him to call for Diana or Selena to take me to the bathroom, i want to stay right where i am.

But if i don’t tell Him, well, that could be a problem in a little bit.  With a sigh, i say, “Sir, i do need to pee.”‘

He smiles.  “Here, can you get up ~ can you stand by yourself?”  He helps me to my feet.    “I think maybe I should go with you,” He says, but ~

“No, o, no it’s ok, i can do it,” i say quickly, and He laughs.  

“It’s over there,” He says, pointing to the far side of the room.  “You may wipe yourself, but touch yourself no more than you need to clean up.  No need to wash.  Come straight back.”

“Yes, Sir,” i say, infinitely relieved that i’m allowed to do this on my own.

When i come back, He is leaning back in His chair, fingers pressed to His temples.  He looks tired.  He glances up at me, but doesn’t speak.

Overwhelmed with a rush of affection for Him, i don’t wait for directions, i kneel in front of Him, between His legs.  “Sir?” i say.

He reaches down, a hand in my hair at the nape of my neck, tilting my head further back.  “Yes, my slut?”  He says.

“May i ~ may i…” and then i’m embarrassed to say it, but He just raises an eyebrow.  

“May you?”

“Um, may i suck-your-cock-please-Sir?” i say in a big rush, just wanting to get the words out.

He smiles then.  “Are you sure that’s what you want to do?  You haven’t collected your orgasm yet.”

i wonder if He will let me have the orgasm later, but don’t ask.  i do want to please Him now, want to take Him in my mouth and caress Him.  So i say, “Yes, Sir, i’m sure.  i’d like to please You with my mouth.”

He laughs.  “Then I guess it would be selfish of Me to deny you.  You may.”

He leans back and closes His eyes.  i reach for His belt buckle and gently pull, but i have to tug on it to unfasten the belt.  The leather is soft.

Working carefully i release His cock from His jeans.  It stands half hard already, and i take a minute to admire it.

To breathe on it, to inhale the male aroma and then to let my breath play over it.  Blowing cool air lightly through pursed lips, or opening my mouth wider and exhaling so the air is hot and moist, covering the head of His cock without touching Him.  

“Nice,” He says, stroking my hair for a moment.  A shiver runs through me. 

i begin to lick and nibble, listening to His breathing, trying to judge His pleasure by His breath, the hand in my hair, the movements of His body.

i place my mouth over the head of His cock, and feel His hips thrust upward a little.  Encouraged, i pull back for a second to make sure my mouth is wet, then begin to move further down His cock, easily taking about half His length in my mouth.

He says, “Yes.”  

i swirl my tongue on the underside of His cock, tasting Him, feeling the vein that runs the length of His cock throb.  Thinking about Story of O, i’m glad that no one is watching me, shining a light on my face, commenting on the way my mouth moves as i take Him deeper.  

Glad no one’s watching, but like O, i strive to show Him my devotion with my mouth, trying to sense where His greatest pleasure lies.  i think that right now He could do anything He wanted with me and i would not even protest.

That thought sends a shiver through me, i am thrilled and afraid.  My pussy clenches, and i hope i will not have lost my permission for an orgasm.

But i’m only sidetracked for a moment with that thought, because now He is moving His hips, thrusting His cock into my mouth.  i begin sucking steadily, moving my head up and down the shaft of His cock.  One hand wrapped around the base, i move in rhythm ~~

Up and down, up and down, up and down ~~

and i can feel the vein throbbing and think that He is close and just as i think that ~~

He says, “Now.  i’m going to cum now.”  

i continue sucking, trying not to vary the pattern, and in a few moments, i feel a spasm as His cock jerks in my mouth, as His cum begins to spill out ~ and He cries out, grabbing my hair, holding me still as He buries His cock deep in my mouth.  Thrusting again, three times,

and then i am trying to swallow and not gag as He finishes exploding, His cock deep in my throat making it hard to swallow.

When He is done, i back off Him a few inches, and am able to swallow.

He strokes my hair.

i am so content, kneeling at His feet, His hand on me, His cock, much softer now, still in my mouth.  i hope He will leave it there for a while.

“Well,” He says at last.  “That was not bad.”  i smile to myself, taking that as a compliment.  He pulls my head up then; reluctantly, i let His cock slip out of my mouth.

“Well,” He says again, and i grin at Him.  

He pinches my nipples, and i moan.  But He releases them after a moment.

He smiles at me, and i notice, not for the first time, how that changes His face.  Makes Him look approachable.  How the intelligence and the humor combined make Him almost irresistible.

He drinks from the water bottle, and hands it to me.

“Well,” He says for the third time, and i hope He’s still lost in the memory of the pleasure He’s taken from using me, from my mouth.  

“We have choices,”  He says, “And this time I’ll ask your opinion.  I can give you the orgasm I promised you now, and have Diana and Selena come put you to bed.  I’m sure you’re tired, and I am too.”

i am listening.

“Or, we can talk for a while now about why you’ve been brought here.  What my plans for you are.”  He smiles again, “At least, what some of my plans are.  Can’t tell you all of them.  That’s the first thing they teach us in Dom school.”

It’s an easy choice.  “Talk to me, Sir, please.  i want to know why i’m here.”

“Get comfortable,” He says.  “We have a lot to talk about.”

i snuggle myself against Him, nestled between His legs on the floor.

 “Yes, Sir,” i say.

Easy?

“Come here,” He says.

Delighted – at last! – i stand up.  i was getting sore, kneeling in the corner, and bored.  i have my five reasons why i need  “a good spanking,”  and i’m ready to present them to Him; ready to move on to the next part of the activities, whatever He has in mind. 

He is settled in His chair,  wearing a t-shirt, his cock in hand.  i smile.  Good things are going to happen.

“You’re smiling,” He says, and i can’t help it, my smile gets bigger and happier.  

“Yes, Sir.”

“Why is that?” He asks.

“Well, Sir, i thought of my five reasons why i need a good spanking, and now, Sir, seeing You like this makes me hope that i’ll be allowed to please You in some way.”

He nods.  “Good girl,” He says.  “Kneel back down here and tell me how you want to please Me.  Get your pillow.”

Happily, i kneel i front of Him, rocking back on my heels so i’m fairly comfortable.  “Yes, Sir,” i say.  And i begin.

“i want to please You with my mouth.  i’d like to come closer to you so i can lick Your cock, Sir.  Taste it.  Touch it with my tongue.  Lick it, like an ice cream cone, Sir.  

i want to caress Your cock with my lips. Take it in my mouth.  i want to put my hot, wet mouth over it, and slide it up and down.”  i glance at His face, hoping He’ll indicate i can begin, but He’s just listening.

When i pause, He says, “What else?  How else do you want to please me?”

A shiver runs through me.  My pussy throbs.  i know i’m wet, i can feel my juices on my inner thigh.

“With my pussy, Sir.”  These words are not so easy, but i push on.  “With my cunt.  i want Your cock deep inside me, i want to wrap my hot, wet pussy around your cock.  i want to feel myself impaled on Your cock, feel it pushing deep, deep inside me.”

i glance at Him, but He doesn’t look impressed.  He’s still holding His cock, but barely stroking it.  He shrugs.

“What else?” He says.  “I know you’ll fuck me, suck my cock, what else will you do to please me?”

i hesitate, but only a second.  “My ass, Sir.”  i say.  “You haven’t finished training me to ~ to ~” it’s just hard to say “to take your cock ~ to take your cock in ~ my ass, Sir.”

But He shrugs it off.  “O, I will,” He says, “But i’m not in the mood for that today.  How else can you please Me?”

For a second, i panic, and then i know – of course – “Spanking, Sir!” i say, feeling triumphant.  “You can spank me!  i need a good spanking.”  

Then i look at His face, and that wasn’t the right answer after all.  “Of course I can,” He says.  “But I’m thinking of other things right now.”

“Sir?” i say, a little worried.  “You can do anything You want to do, You know that, Sir.”

“Can I?” He says. 

“Of course,” i say.  “Just tell me how i can please you.”

i’m excited and scared.  i know there are a lot of things we haven’t done, and i have no idea what He wants.  But i don’t expect Him to say,

“I’m thinking about sharing you.”

All the blood drains out of my face, i can feel myself pale.  i sway.

He leans forward, moves his arm around me to grasp my hair, holding me firmly so i am looking at Him.  “What would you say to that, little girl?  What if I want to watch you use that mouth on someone else’s cock?”

The hand in my hair tightens, i gasp.  “Sir,” i say.  “Sir, i ~ i ~ we’ve never talked about this ~  i ~” and i stop, cause there’s nowhere good i can go from here.

My heart is pounding.  Didn’t i just tell Him that He could do anything He wanted to do?  Am i going to try to take that back now?  Could i take it back?

“Sir~” i say.

Still holding my  hair with one hand, He stops me by thrusting His thumb into my mouth.  Immediately, my mouth closes around Him, tentatively at first, i begin to suck his thumb, caressing Him with my tongue. 

i feel myself held securely between His hands.

He says, “Don’t say i can do anything i want unless you mean it,”

He says.  “I am just thinking about it now.  I can see it in my mind, like a picture.  Letting someone else see ~ letting them feel ~ what you can do with that mouth.  Knowing that you belong to me so much that i can lend you out.  I’m just thinking about it now.  But if I decide I want you to do it, you will obey.”

i can barely move my head, but i manage to nod.  Looking at Him now, being held like this, naked on my knees, caught between His hands, there is no doubt.  Of course i’ll obey Him.

“Good.”  He smiles. “I’m going to take my thumb out of your mouth, and put My cock in it.  Are you ready?” He asks.

i nod, with more enthusiasm, and He does just that ~ His thumb comes out, and His cock slides in.  With His hand in my hair, it’s easy for Him to push my face down.  In a flash, He slides deeper, deeper into my throat.  i struggle to relax the back of my throat so He can slide all the way in.

i gag a little, and know that i am pleasing Him.  He enjoys the feeling of my throat tightening on Him, and He doesn’t make me take it too long.  He pulls back a little to let me regain control before pushing His way back in.  Quickly, i have tears spilling over from gagging.  

He pulls all the way back out.

“Now,” He says.  “Tell me now.  What are the five reasons spankings are good for you?”  “

My mind is racing – wait, i know this, i just listed them ~ wait ~~

               ~~ my mind is blank ~~ 

“BZZZZZ”  He buzzes like a game show host, He’s laughing,  “you lose,” he says.     

“Wait,” i say, “Please, Sir, i do know, i just can’t think ~” and i can’t help laughing a little bit too, it’s so ridiculous, kneeling there, tears running down my face, and i can’t think at all.

He releases my hair, takes a nipple in each hand, and pinches.  Hard.  “Now?” He says.  “Can you think now?”

i can barely remember the question, i’m gasping, a whimper slips out, “Sir ~ i ~um” i’m trying to focus ~

He releases my nipples.  

“I’ll ask you one more time,” He says.  “Give me five reasons why spankings are good for you.”

“Because ~~~ ” but all i can think is that i know this, i should know this, why can’t i think of it????

He’s laughing.  “That’s ok,” He says.  “We’ve got all day.  Maybe if you write Me an essay about it.”

“Sir,” i say, and i want to say “no, i don’t wanna write an essay, i know the answer, i just can’t remember,” but i i haven’t actually lost my mind.  i bite my lip, hard, holding the words back.   

“Yes?” He says, eyebrows raised.

“Yes, Sir,” i say.  “i’d love to write you an essay.”

Sigh.

 

i thought this was gonna be easy.

 

 

Asking

“Come here,” He says.

 i stand in front of Him, half smiling, waiting for the next command.

“Kneel,” He says.

i grab my pillow on the way down, slide it under my knees, as i sink, gracefully, perhaps.  He is watching.

He unzips his pants, releases His cock.  It is already slightly hard.  He holds it in His hand.  

“Do you want this?” He asks.

“Yes, Sir,” i say.  It is so true.  It seems like it’s been so long.  i lick my lips.

He smiles.

“Come closer,” He says.

i scoot closer, til i am between His legs, close to His cock.  i can see the velvety skin, smell the faint aroma of maleness.

“Do you want to touch it?” He asks.

“Yes, Sir,” i say, leaning a little closer.  “i’d love to touch it.  May i please?”

“No.”  He is firm, but gentle. 

My pussy throbs.  i want to touch Him very much.  With my hands, with my mouth. 

He is touching Himself.  i watch Him beginning to get harder, wish He would let me help. 

After a long minute, i say, “Please, Sir?”  i don’t really mean to say it, it just slips out.

His eyebrows go up.  “Excuse me?”

“O.”  i look down.  “Sorry.”  But He’s not letting it go.

“What did you say,”

“Ummmm, i said, ‘Please, Sir?'” i say.

He nods.  “So you really want to touch My cock?”

“Yes, Sir!” i say, hopeful now.  This may be going better than i thought!

He looks at me, considering. 

i try to look suitably submissive and eager to please.  He is still touching Himself, and that holds my attention.

Then, “No,” He says, and i feel my body droop a little.  i am disappointed. 

“Not yet,” He says. 

Like a yoyo, i’m up and down at His whim. 

“How much do you want to?” He asks.

i open my mouth to explain, to convince, to make my case, but ~~~

~~~~ “without words,” He says.  “Let me know how much you want to touch me, without words.”

i’m baffled.  How can i do that?  Maybe He means i can show Him through touch.  i lean forward, hoping – but He shakes His head.  “Without touching or talking,”  He says. 

That makes me pause.  Rocked back on my heels, i rest my hands on my thighs, palms up, and contemplate.  How can i do that?  How can i show Him how much i want to taste His cock,  to make love to His cock, without words or touch?

i don’t think i can.

i have to try.

i look at His cock.  Watch His hand on Himself, and think about how much i wish it were me touching Him. 

No, that’s not the right approach.  i don’t know how i know, but that’s not it. 

i shift a little, think a little more.  Ok ~ maybe ~

i look at His hand on His cock.  In my mind, i imagine the feeling, the skin under my fingertips, the skin against my palm as i wrap my hand around His shaft.

i sigh a little.  i can remember the feeling of His skin; i know what it will feel like. 

i picture myself, holding Him lightly, moving my mouth closer.  Just breathing on His cock,  My lips so close but not quite touching.  When i am that close, it is like touching Him, as if the feeling leaps over that gap between Him and my mouth.

In my mind, i can see Him getting harder as i breathe on His cock.  And then ~ i lick my lips to moisten them, moving closer, in my imagination, letting my lips touch the tip of His cock. 

i can feel my tongue slipping over Him, sliding it’s warm wet way over the head of His cock.  Feel the skin beneath my tongue.  Taste Him, that indescribable pleasure of His essence.

Imagine my mouth opening wider to take the head, hot and moist.  Lips parting as He slides in.

My pussy is throbbing and clenching, but i’m barely aware of it.  All my focus is on the cock in front of me, and the cock in my mind.

And i don’t know how it happens, but i look up and notice His breathing is a little ragged.  Watching me intently, His eyes a little glazed, i know He’s feeling it too.

i smile, just barely curving my lips.  Raise my eyebrows just the tiniest bit. 

                                                And  ~

     ~”Yes,” He says.  His voice is a little gruff, but he says it again, “Yes, you may.” 

And i begin.

 

Springtime

i got some stuff cleaned up around here, and even cut the grass for the first time of the season this weekend – just the backyard, cause that’s “weed-grass” and will be knee high before i know it.

And how vanilla is that as a start for this post?

When actually, spring turns this woman’s thoughts to cocks and spankings and such… 

The sound of First Sir’s belt coming out of the loops.  The whoosh of floggers being wielded expertly.  A yardstick landing with a CRACK.  Squirming, wanting to get away, wanting more.

His cock.  Not just any cock, but His cock.  The taste, the feel of it.  Kneeling in front of Him, touching it with my tongue.  Licking.  Sucking.  Sliding it deep into my throat…

His hands.   Stroking, pinching, caressing…

Slipping deep into that space in my head where only He exists, where obedience is everything.  Longing to please.  To offer.

Sigh. 

 Springtime.

Seeking

It’s the intensity. 

i seek it everywhere.  At work.  At home.  In my spare time.

Seeking a Dom to hand it to me.  A master to move me.   Someone to take me deeper into myself, someone to take me completely outside myself.

Hidden Slave writes about it with great power and beauty.  

Is it the pain that does it?  The pain that transcends? 

i don’t know.

Shades of Blue writes about it.   Her tales remind me of – forgive me – a novice nun.  About to move into a High Protocol House, and it reminds me so much of stories i’ve read by nuns on their path to the convent.  

Sin writes about it too, the intensity, the seeking. And ‘Nilla – we all write about it.  Being taken out of our selves – and led into our selves.

Sigh.

Is it greedy to want that all the time?

Not necessarily want it from a Master.  If it has to come from Him, then it has to be limited.  No one else can bring that to us – to me – all the time. 

If i have to get it from Him – whoever “Him” may be – it’s restricted.  But ~

      if i can figure out how to do it myself… 

O.  Ok.  i think i’ve got something here ~ ok.

It’s mindfulness, right?  It’s being totally present, totally connected, totally in the moment.   And it’s being totally gone – not there – sub-spaced out. 

He can give me that, through pain, or through intensity.  Through touch.  Through manipulating the environment.

But people who walk on hot coals do the same thing.  So did  saints with their ecstatic spritual experiences.

And we get it through serving too.  It doesn’t have to come through Him, right?  i mean, “He” gives me the opportunity to serve, to lose myself in giving, but that’s me, not Him.

When i worship His cock, i slip into that space – He is allowing me to use Him to take my self there…

…i don’t know.  i think i have a hold on this and then it slips away again.

“He” is God.   We look for some form of God.   i look for some form of God-ness.   Not necessarily God-in-the-Sky, not necessarily a God of rules – although…  ok, maybe yes, maybe a God of rules.

A God of love though.  i think.

And see ~ here i am ~ lost again.  i don’t think i’m seeking ~ i don’t want the Puritan God who’s rigid and mean.  But it needs to be a God with rules ~ but rules that  i can obey…

… No, lost again ~ damn it. 

Backing up.  In the moment.   The key is being in the moment… whatever i’m doing.

So what happens when i have an intense experience like last weekend with MoR ~ in the power exchange, i give Him my power so He can take me there?  Is that right?

Then i come home and my vanilla life seems flat and mundane and unbalanced.  i’m not really here, because i’m still there.

Ok – so that’s the unbalance.  Instead of being fully present in my every day life, i’m holding on to the powerful intensity of the kink experience – ok, the powerful intensity of being with MoR.   

But that’s just one way to get there.  i’ve carefully created a life for myself that allows me to have all kinds of opportunities to experience different kinds of intimacy and intensity.  

And anything becomes intense if you focus on it.  

i’ve been listening to music this morning ~ another way to get the effect.  Try listening to this, and imagine cock worship at the same time…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnP-__wW0Xc&NR=1

i picture myself kneeling in front of Him ~ for me, it has to start that way if i’m going to do it right…

i picture His cock, barely starting to get hard.

i look at it ~ take it in my hand ~ gently ~ with great love…

i breathe on it, feeling it swell more as i do.  Slowly, tentatively, i lick lightly at the head, feel it twitch in my hand…

my mouth is moist, wet, as i slide it over the head of His cock.  It slides easily, my mouth embraces him, my tongue moves in a swirl, absorbing His taste, feeling Him grow.

i linger, tasting, touching, sucking lightly… pull back and run the tip of my tongue around the rim.  He is swollen now, His cock throbs in my hand…

i slip Him into my mouth and move farther down on His shaft, allowing Him to slide deeper in, inch by inch… moving back and then farther down with each thrust…

His hand on my head is gentle ~ an affirmation, i am doing well.  He strokes my hair affectionately…

Ok.  Enough of that.  Just making myself uselessly hot and bothered.  And now i’ve forgotten where i was going with this ~ o, yeah ~

mindfulness ~

     ~ so whether i’m focusing on the music or on cock-worship, the power to be in the moment, to feel that tingly pleasure ~ it comes from me, or from the Goddess within me… just like His power comes from God, the God within Him.

And that means ~ maybe ~ maybe that means that i can take the power and intensity that MoR and i create in play and bring it to my mundane, everyday life.   Maybe when i feel unbalanced, i need to grow my every day life.

Damn it.

i don’t really like that thought ~ it creates work for me.  It would be so much easier to wait for MoR to pop back in and hand it to me.  But noooooo ~

i have to frigging try to create it myself…

 

The Cock

“Now,” He says, “you may kneel.”

He helps me stand first; i have been bent over the arm of the couch long enough, and spanked thoroughly enough, that i am a little dizzy, a little disoriented.   With one hand in my hair, the other on my shoulder, he helps me to my feet.  It is only a few steps to the cushion on the floor.  He guides me firmly.

Once i’m settled on my knees, He lets go of me and settles himself in His chair.  

“Now,” He says.  “What do you want.”

“Sir,” i say, and i think i’m blushing – i wonder if my face is as red as my ass.  i can feel the heat in both places. “Sir, i want to suck your cock, please, Sir.”  And then, because really, i’m confident that He wants this too, i smile.  “Please, Sir.”

“Yes,” He says.  “You may.  But start with your hands behind your back.”

Pouting just a little, i move closer to him, easily sliding on the pillow under my knees.  i put my hands behind my back.  

His cock is already half hard, as i move my mouth closer to it, i think it twitches a little, anticipating my caress.  i smile at it.   Bend to lower my mouth, when –

“Don’t touch,” He says.  “Not yet.  Just look.”

i stop myself, my mouth maybe an inch away from His cock.   i breathe gently on it, hoping the sensation, the warmth, the touch of my breath will seduce Him into allowing more.

“Wait,” He says, “Wait for permission.”

“Yes, Sir,” i say, surprised that He feels the need to say so.  At this moment, i am completely His to control.  i watch His cock, continuing to breathe on it, and i think about how lovely it is.  The look of it, the slightly musky smell.  i try to focus on what i see and sense, not moving ahead even in my mind. 

i don’t know how long goes by.  It is a little uncomfortable, with my hands behind my back, i am not so well balanced.  But i’m ok, and i wait, quietly concentrating on His cock.  At last –

“Now,” He says. “You may use your mouth.”

i lick first.  Just lick the head of it, which has been so close to my mouth anyhow.  Easy enough to lick, to taste, to feel the skin, so soft.  The cock responds almost immediately, beginning to grow.

i nibble a little.  The head is slick now, it’s easy to move my lips over it.  Open my mouth and begin to pull it into my mouth.   Just the head is in when He says,

“Stop.”

i do – i stop immediately.  i don’t even suck, i just hold my mouth still, encircling the head of His cock.  Savoring it.  Then – not sure that He wants me immobile – i suck a little.  Move my tongue.  He strokes my hair, so i think this must be ok.  After a minute or so, He says,

“Ok.  Good.  You can go on.”

So i do, of course.  i take more of His cock into my mouth, still with my hands behind my back.  He’s gotten quite hard now, as i move my tongue along the shaft, i can feel His vein throbbing.  i focus my tongue on the vein, working my way back up the shaft –

– then licking around the rim, just under it.  His cock keeps trying to slide away from me, and finally, i say, inbetween licks, “Sir?”

“Yes?”

“May i please use my hands?  i think i could please you more if i could use my hands too.”  But i don’t say it all at once like that – it’s broken up by kisses and licks and little sucks, so it comes out “May i please…” pause to suck and lick, “use my hands…” pause – and so on.  i end with “Please, Sir?’

– and to my delight, He says, “Yes, you may use your hands.”

The benefit of that is not so much my hands as that now i can move His cock more easily, place my mouth exactly where i want it.  Eventually, of course, i’ll need my hands too, to create that hot, wet space for His cock to slide through, into my mouth.  But for now, it’s enough to be able to hold His cock, encircling the base with one hand, and licking all around it.

i begin to take it deeper into my mouth, moving rhythmically up and down, sliding it a bit further in each time.  As it begins to hit the back of my throat, i slow down, focus on relaxing my throat, still taking it deeper. 

i let it choke me, gag me a couple of times, and then i back off, licking and sucking around the head.  And i think how much i love this.   

It’s not about getting to the end, although that’s nice too.  But it’s not a race to make Him cum, there’s no hurry.  i could do this for hours, just enjoying, savoring the cock that responds so nicely to my mouth…